Hermit or Why Didn’t You Go Out Last Night?

I admit it, sometimes, despite the cheery demeanor and the carefree attitude, sometimes, I crave total solitude. I don’t mean just some alone time for a few hours or having some private time some place: I mean no phone, no internet, no tv, no sound, no visitors. An impenetrable fog envelopes me (thank you Sarah Vowell) that nothing can get through and I need to be alone. There is no cure for this condition, nothing anyone can say or day to alleviate it, I just have to ride it out and hope I don’t miss too much in the real world while I’m locked away playing “The Hermit”.

I think this need for alone time is probably one of the main reasons behind why my relationships crack and crumble sometimes. I admit, I’m not the easiest person to know, once you get beyond my jolly exterior. I keep alot hidden, not from view, but at least hard to find. But, right when someone is going beyond the exterior, part of me wants to hide, curl up in a ball someplace, lock the doors, close the windows, pop in one of my mix cds and shut out the world for a little while. And no matter how much I explain that this is just me, that sometimes I need to go away, I hurt feelings, I step on emotions and I fail expectations.

So I offer this as an open apology.

-I’m sorry if I don’t return calls right away. I truly meant to, honestly, but I was already locked away when you called.

-I’m sorry if my inbox is full. I tend to look at messages when I’m away, but trying to answer them when my mind is elsewhere is useless.

-I’m sorry if I didn’t respond to your comments on Myspace. Please don’t stop leaving them: they draw me back into the real world and remind me what I’m away from.

-I’m sorry that I didn’t go out last night. I wanted to, I knew it would be fun and part of me regrets the hermit inside.

-Most of all, I’m sorry to let you down. Please understand that this comes and goes, sometimes its a day, sometimes its a weekend, but I will return and do my best to make amends.

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10 responses to “Hermit or Why Didn’t You Go Out Last Night?

  1. Wow… perhaps we are related. I too slip into myself and block out the real world. Lately more than I would like to admit. I will try to send you a wave and a hug when I don’t see you posting. (((((hugs to you))))))

  2. BETME – And by association, I guess we are both related to one of my favorite authors, Sarah Vowell, whom I’m paraphrasing. She describes it as a once a day event for her…at least you and I aren’t that bad… 🙂

  3. Story of my life. I constantly have to apologize to people for barricading myself inside my apartment and avoiding their calls.
    For me, it is because I’m a textbook introvert. Maybe you’re a periodic introvert?
    Loners are cool, don’t forget it.

  4. I know those days, I get them every so often. All I can think is “this too shall pass.” Unfortunately, it never seems to pass fast enough. But, as you know, it will pass.

  5. TALEA – I used to be a total introvert 18 years ago…but I got over it, but now and then, I guess maybe you are right. Hadn’t thought of it that way…

    SARAH – I wish it would pass already and for good… 🙂

  6. You Darling, are fine.

    That you can be alone and be content with being alone is actually a bit more healthy than you might think. It’s all about proportion.

    I too like to squirrel myself away from the madding crowds and technology du jour for a while.

    Savor who you are and what you are. My need for down time is more prevalent in between relationships. Maybe I should employ it more often when I am involved. That might make all the difference in what defines a “current” relationship and a “former” one.

    Enjoy your writing. You do so with great depth.

    Best,
    LK

  7. LAURIE – I know it’s a healthy thing once in awhile, when my brain has been totally overloaded, it’s goof to shut down and unload. I don’t know if this need comes up more in a relationship or outside of one….just glad to know I’m not alone. 🙂

  8. Here’s an anti-hermit confession: I once skipped out on a perfectly enjoyable evening with friends (including a potential love interest) to have my d–k s–ed by a married gal, then returned with a stupid ass grin on my face, and a lot of self-loathing. Sometimes, it’s better to stay inside.

  9. Well I am glad it’s not just me. I do the same thing and always wonder why I like it so much. I really liked your list to your friends with an explanation it was really nice, open and honest! I see you changed your background. Very nice!

  10. DUFFBOY – a little self loathing isn’t bad thing…

    DONTDATETHATDUDE – my friends kinda understand…which is very cool of them…we should start a club! Sarah Vowell would be required reading to join… 🙂

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