Before or How Resolutions Don’t Equal Loss

Thats me on the left, making as ass of myself. I think we were all singing along to Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” at sunday night karaoke at the Daniel Street Bar and Tavern. As dives go, the place isn’t that bad and a huge crowd of us swarm in every sunday for the silliness and embarassment that is karaoke. A funny moment caught on film by my friend Jared. I hate it.

Don’t get me wrong, we had a great night and I love my friends dearly. What I hate is me in these pictures. In the past, I have been incredibly embarassed about my weight gains and losses and gaining again. A never ending cycle of self torture and overindulgence. Every year, on New Years Eve, I made the same resolutions over and over again, only to see myself fail, or even worse, sabotage myself to definitely fail:

1. Lose Weight

2. Find Love

3. Win the Lottery

Ok, that last one is more of a wish than a resolution but nonetheless, every year, those three resolutions would be written down, tucked into my wallet to remind myself of what my vague goals were. And what happened every year? I would diet like mad, starve myself, exercise constantly and painfully then relapse into old habits of eating fast food and chinese food, pizza, ice cream, etc and re-gain any and all losses and then packing on a few more pounds in the process. The cycle is evil and cruel and worst of all, I was doing it to myself.

To hide this from myself, to camouflage the damage I was doing to my self esteem, body image and own sense of self worth, I would go shopping. I would buy bigger and bigger clothes, clothes that were at least a size too big. This way, I could hide the truth, not only from a date, family or friends but also from myself. Looking at these pictures of myself, I realize I’m hiding behind oversized or black clothing, masking the reality and bullshitting myself into thinking I’m thinner because the clothes were over flowing.

I hate that about myself. I hate that for so long, the person I have been the most deceitful to, the one I have been lying to the most and treating like complete and utter shit is myself. And I think when I look at these pictures, I’m hit with the reality of how I truly feel about myself. I’m ashamed. Ashamed of my weakness, ashamed of how I must have appeared to people and ashamed of how I’m percieved. Don’t get me wrong, this is not my heaviest. I was once well over 300 pounds, but being in the 200’s for so long is no better.

So now we come to this year. The resolutions were the same. Scribed on the back of a business card and tucked into a corner of my wallet, I added a few more this year.

Ok, so a couple of those are unrealistic ( I really think I have a shot with Tori Amos, heehe) but in all seriousness, I need to learn to love myself more and to stop punishing myself for not meeting expectations. That revelation has made me a happier guy. Took me a few months to get on track but now, the weight is falling off, I feel healthier and happier than I have been in a long time. The workout has become a part of my life and less the’damnable activity I have to do to feel better about myself’. Every day has become a new challenge that I truly enjoy. I either go for a run in the morning and work out at night at the gym or, as my has been for the last couple of days, gym in the morning and a quick run late at night. I ache all over, my ankle is swollen sometimes, my knees complain and I LOVE every minute of it.

My true friends ground me in reality and remind me that no matter how down I get, no matter how disapointed I may be in myself, they still love me and that gives me hope every day as I struggle forward.

This is the year I “Lose The Buddha” (copyright) and get back at least to my rugby shape. Would be nice to be 220, be nicer to be 200 and nicer still to be less than 200. I haven’t seen under 200 since sophomore year of high school! I’m on track, I know I can do this now and knowing without a doubt that a goal is there and it’s achievable makes all the difference in the world. In the past, the weight loss was a vague goal, something I promised myself, tried and then, ultimately failed because my goal was not determined or defined. Now I have a goal, I have a number and lastly I am making one more important step: I am throwing out the oversized clothing. This is a little drastic, but a step I need to take. Otherwise, I’m just tempted to try to fit into them again. I can’t throw it all out, but a good majority of it is definitely going to goodwill tomorrow. I don’t want to hide any more, I don’t want to feel ashamed of who I am and how I look.

So far this year, I have lost a total of 32 lbs. I have lost 18 in the last 3 weeks thanks to some inspiration and support from a few good friends and not to mention a $500 bet on the line. My total has to be over 60 lbs of weight loss by august!!! I think I can do it…I know I can do it! That Money is so mine….. πŸ™‚

Hopefully, photos like this, photos of me hiding behind clothes, will be a thing of the past. And I know you are wondering, but really I have no anser: why is Jen sticking her finger in my ear?


17 responses to “Before or How Resolutions Don’t Equal Loss

  1. Great post! I know exactly where you are coming from, ’cause that’s where I’m at. I hope to be leaving here soon. πŸ˜‰ Nothing to it, but to do it. Harder than it sounds, but true non the less. I’ve been putting off an update on my weight loss for quite some time now, but I think I’ll be getting that posted this Saturday. All I have to do is do it. 😐 (Note to self: DO IT!!!)

    Keep up the great work. πŸ™‚

  2. G – that is the most honest and insightful post I have read…evah! You are certainly on the right track. So many people make the mistake of trying to lose weight for all the wrong reasons. You are doing it for YOU…and I’m so proud of you! You’ll get to where you want to be…but, even if you backslide or don’t get to your desired weight I still love the person you are – no matter what the scale says! xox

  3. Hey, that is wonderful news. I hope you continue to put #’s 4-6 above everything else, and I’ll bet that #1 (and #2…I don’t think #’s 4-6 will have any effect on #5 though) is a lot easier for you. I don’t know you personally, but it seems obvious from your writing that your friends are lucky to have you…and I’m happy for you to have such a good support system. Plus, maybe you’ll find some booby twins of your own at your gym πŸ™‚

  4. PETER – Thanks for the encouragement! You have no idea how tough it is to get up in the morning, no matter how I feel, and force myself out there to run or whatever….it’s getting easier

    2LD – love you too! πŸ™‚ You have been a great inspiration for my current weight loss adventure. And yeah, had a few minor setbacks (bad food! ugh!!) but I know I can work through it. Thank you for your kind words and hope to see you soon when I’m at the 30lb mark (hopefully sooner than later!)

    ALLISON – I’m still holding out hope for Tori Amos. πŸ™‚ Booby twins? heeheee…I need to write about my gym sometime…talk about freaks…there is a group of women that come in together in the early evenings. Not sure where they are from, but they all look like they just stepped out of a plastic surgeons office with fake boobs, collagen lips and botxed to hell faces and face lifts….rather frightening bunch

  5. This was so inspirational and well put!…and based on your descriptions of how crazy work has been, the fact that you’ve been working out so diligently is really commendable! I can’t wait for you to win that bet, maybe you can buy me something nice πŸ˜‰

  6. Betme – thanks, I’m blushing.

    Romi – heehee, my total lack of life has been a direct result of spending most of my free time at the gym…I amaze my friends when I show up for shows and parties and tell them that “Yup, got out of work, went to to the gym and now I’m here at (insert name of concert here) and I’ll be back up at 6am to go to the gym again”
    I think they believe that maybe I have lost what little sense I had left….:) but it’s all good…
    and what, pray tell, yould you like, dear lady? $500 American Dollars doesn’t buy what it used to in Canada…. 😦

  7. I was hoping for something in the “showy jewels” department….maybe you can score some nice bling at a pawn shop πŸ˜‰

  8. Well, I like you the way you are, but when it comes to self-esteem my opinion isn’t really the point. Is it? *smile* Being healthy is the most important thing and it’s fabulous that you have taken important steps to do so. Plus, who doesn’t want $500?

  9. I think there’s a not so hidden message in your new year’s resolutions: “love myself”, once you crack open that one, it all comes together. I would wrestle you for Tori, but I’d say uncle pretty fast.

  10. So sorry I missed this one! I’ve been in my own “little world” and forget. I can so relate to what you are saying! I have many of the same issues and I also know that it can be done, the weight lost and kept off, it’s about what you said, loving yourself enough to look at the food and decide it just isn’t worth eating anymore. You are doing so well! I know you are going to win the bet and the battle! I am too! πŸ™‚

  11. yIKES! I can’t believe I missed all these responses!!!

    ROMI – Showy jewels hunh? hmmm…I’ll get right on that… πŸ™‚

    Karolyn – Thanks for stopping by…miss you, my friend! Healthy is really what I’m aiming for here….both mentally and physically

    DUFFBOY – That comes from some old advice from my friend H, something she said to me a long time ago when I was going through a bad break up “Love yourself first and you will be surprised how your life will change”

    BETME – I know, I know…been so out of it this past month…all work and no play…, you know the drill

    DONTDATETHATDUDE – I have seriously missed your input! The problem on the food side of the equation is that I’m a damn good cook…just not a damn good cook of “lite” food…*sighs*

  12. I could have written this myself. I actually just did. I just posted it at my “other” blog where I write about my weight struggles. I am addicted to FOOD. My whole family are fast food junkee’s until I recently made a commitment to cook more (like I did when I was a stay-at-home mom for 11 years) – once I went to work full time nights our eating habits slid into a deep abyss. I’m trying so hard to get on track. I am glad to say that I am in my 2nd week (don’t laugh people, when I say “addicted” to fast food, I mean it literally) of cooking and not allowing anyone to eat out (only Fri night). So, I’m wishing your continued success and I’m praying that I keep heading in the right direction….

    This morning when I got home from work, I had to put together beef stew in the crock pot; you don’t know how hard it was for me to do it rather than just “skip it until tomorrow” and go right to bed. I’m really proud of myself TOOT! TOOT! And, being nice to myself is hard too, because I’ve been my own worst enemy my whole life. I love your post here. So honest and inspiring!

  13. We have to be nice to ourselves… who else is going to do it? I have to look inward for acceptance before it means anything coming from anyone else…. Just my little thought! With that being said, it’s still a daily challenge for me to be nice to myself. I don’t like it when a friend or family member hates on themselves, so why would it be ok for me to do that? You are awesome… I hope for you that you see it sooner than later – I’ll send up good thoughts for you!

  14. I don’t usually cook at all and now I have had to learn how to cook meals within in my food plan and learn how to shop for it, It took me a couple 3 weeks to figure it all out. I still find the easiest meals to prepare and then on the weekend I will learn a new one so I have time to play. It’s been en-LITE-ning! Ha Ha. At least you know HOW to cook and it should be really easy for you to convert old favorites into something yummy!

  15. JAVAQUEEN – I would say being addicted to food is definitely an issue I have too. The biggest problem for me is that I truly have a love for food too and its a vicious cycle: the two aspects feed off each other. I’m not big on sweets (well, unless its chocolate on top of chocolate drenched in a chocolate sauce and sprinkled with more chocolate) but I love experiencing new foods, cooking new foods and sharing those experiences. For example, I drove 2 hours north to go to a Wild Game BBQ festival just to say I had been there and tried it. On a side note, bbq slow roasted moose is incredible!!! And the real problem is if I curtailed this side of myself and just ate salads or slim fast shakes, I would be miserable and probably rebound back and gain weight. So I compromise: I eat what I want, but in much much smaller portions: if I cook something (chicken and rice comes to mind) I portion it out in small containers for the week. The crockpot is definitely a good friend of mine too.
    Loving myself is one of the hardest things I have had to accept. It sounds so simple, but you would be surprised.

    DONTDATETHATDUDE – Here is a suggestion for you: buy some cook books. I learned to cook when I was a little kid and read and re-read the Good Housekeeping cookbook. It teaches technique as well as listing recipes for you to follow. Go to your local bookstore, avoid the ‘flavor of the month’ cookbooks (Rachel Ray does NOT teach any technique worth repeating) find something that interests you. One of my favorites is the Moosewood Restaurant cookbook, a classic of unusual and absolutley delicious recipes. I definitely love the unusual and alot of my cookbooks are foods outside the normal US diet. I have a really old thai cook book simply called Chiang Ming, its actually kinda falling apart now, but the foods are incredible! Many different versions of Pad Thai, lots of dishes centering around coconut milk, etc. OK, making myself hungry now…must stop writing…:)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s