Thats me on the left, making as ass of myself. I think we were all singing along to Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” at sunday night karaoke at the Daniel Street Bar and Tavern. As dives go, the place isn’t that bad and a huge crowd of us swarm in every sunday for the silliness and embarassment that is karaoke. A funny moment caught on film by my friend Jared. I hate it.
Don’t get me wrong, we had a great night and I love my friends dearly. What I hate is me in these pictures. In the past, I have been incredibly embarassed about my weight gains and losses and gaining again. A never ending cycle of self torture and overindulgence. Every year, on New Years Eve, I made the same resolutions over and over again, only to see myself fail, or even worse, sabotage myself to definitely fail:
1. Lose Weight
2. Find Love
3. Win the Lottery
Ok, that last one is more of a wish than a resolution but nonetheless, every year, those three resolutions would be written down, tucked into my wallet to remind myself of what my vague goals were. And what happened every year? I would diet like mad, starve myself, exercise constantly and painfully then relapse into old habits of eating fast food and chinese food, pizza, ice cream, etc and re-gain any and all losses and then packing on a few more pounds in the process. The cycle is evil and cruel and worst of all, I was doing it to myself.
To hide this from myself, to camouflage the damage I was doing to my self esteem, body image and own sense of self worth, I would go shopping. I would buy bigger and bigger clothes, clothes that were at least a size too big. This way, I could hide the truth, not only from a date, family or friends but also from myself. Looking at these pictures of myself, I realize I’m hiding behind oversized or black clothing, masking the reality and bullshitting myself into thinking I’m thinner because the clothes were over flowing.
I hate that about myself. I hate that for so long, the person I have been the most deceitful to, the one I have been lying to the most and treating like complete and utter shit is myself. And I think when I look at these pictures, I’m hit with the reality of how I truly feel about myself. I’m ashamed. Ashamed of my weakness, ashamed of how I must have appeared to people and ashamed of how I’m percieved. Don’t get me wrong, this is not my heaviest. I was once well over 300 pounds, but being in the 200’s for so long is no better.
So now we come to this year. The resolutions were the same. Scribed on the back of a business card and tucked into a corner of my wallet, I added a few more this year.
Ok, so a couple of those are unrealistic ( I really think I have a shot with Tori Amos, heehe) but in all seriousness, I need to learn to love myself more and to stop punishing myself for not meeting expectations. That revelation has made me a happier guy. Took me a few months to get on track but now, the weight is falling off, I feel healthier and happier than I have been in a long time. The workout has become a part of my life and less the’damnable activity I have to do to feel better about myself’. Every day has become a new challenge that I truly enjoy. I either go for a run in the morning and work out at night at the gym or, as my has been for the last couple of days, gym in the morning and a quick run late at night. I ache all over, my ankle is swollen sometimes, my knees complain and I LOVE every minute of it.
My true friends ground me in reality and remind me that no matter how down I get, no matter how disapointed I may be in myself, they still love me and that gives me hope every day as I struggle forward.
This is the year I “Lose The Buddha” (copyright) and get back at least to my rugby shape. Would be nice to be 220, be nicer to be 200 and nicer still to be less than 200. I haven’t seen under 200 since sophomore year of high school! I’m on track, I know I can do this now and knowing without a doubt that a goal is there and it’s achievable makes all the difference in the world. In the past, the weight loss was a vague goal, something I promised myself, tried and then, ultimately failed because my goal was not determined or defined. Now I have a goal, I have a number and lastly I am making one more important step: I am throwing out the oversized clothing. This is a little drastic, but a step I need to take. Otherwise, I’m just tempted to try to fit into them again. I can’t throw it all out, but a good majority of it is definitely going to goodwill tomorrow. I don’t want to hide any more, I don’t want to feel ashamed of who I am and how I look.
So far this year, I have lost a total of 32 lbs. I have lost 18 in the last 3 weeks thanks to some inspiration and support from a few good friends and not to mention a $500 bet on the line. My total has to be over 60 lbs of weight loss by august!!! I think I can do it…I know I can do it! That Money is so mine….. 🙂
Hopefully, photos like this, photos of me hiding behind clothes, will be a thing of the past. And I know you are wondering, but really I have no anser: why is Jen sticking her finger in my ear?