Casual Sex or Clean Up in the Shoe Department


If I saw you, I wouldn’t be able to look you in the eye today.

I had a sex dream about you last night. There’s no way to be coy about it. No way to make it seem like something else. This wasn’t a cute romantic dream about holding hands, cuddled on the couch, watching movies with the occasional kissing and snuggling.


This wasn’t that at all.

The dream began innocently enough. We were walking through the mall, talking about some new job you had. Apparently, in my dream, you can’t hold down a job and this was your latest career. I don’t remember the details but I think it had something to do with quality control at a university someplace, which really doesn’t make any sense. I mean seriously, what does “Quality Control” at a university really mean? I think my dream version of you is just making shit up…

As often happens in a dream, the scenery changed abruptly. First we had been walking through the food court area of the mall. Emo kids where strewn about everywhere, wearing their latest pre-fab uniforms from Hot Topic. Is it really emo and punk to hang out at the mall? Really? And why do you all look the same? Maybe it’s a product of getting old and being an old punk rocker, but kids these days, the ones who pretend to be so punk, they all look the same. Same skinny jeans, same ill-fitting shirts, same “Hot Topic” tags. I seriously cannot understand the concept of that store. Punk, at it’s core was and has always been a DIY experience and yet, if you want your musical and political statements pre-printed for you, here’s a store with all the essentials. For Fifty bucks, you too can look like a punk rocker or an emo kid! Way to go kids! Way to dumb it down even further…

Yeah, I do rant like that in my dreams too… J

But I digress…we were walking through the food court and suddenly we were at the entrance of JC Penney. You took my hand and smiled at me. For the first time, I noticed you were wearing a tight fitting t shirt that accentuated your frame rather lovingly. You caught me looking and poked me in the stomach.

“Come on,” you said. “We have to hurry. I have church in the morning.”

I smiled at you, thoroughly confused by this statement.

You pulled my hand and lead me through JC Penney. I was completely puzzled…even in my dreams, I’m absolutely clueless. You lead me through to the mens shoe department. Did you know that JC Penney has a new feature in their shoe department? I guess this must be standard in all their new stores. Apparently, they all have a secret door in the back that opens up right into my bedroom. I wasn’t aware of this new feature until you opened the door and dragged me through.

Surprisingly, I had remembered to make my bed and tidy up my room before I left for the day. In the dream, I must have more free time.

You wrapped your arms around me and kissed me. For a moment, I was melting. The world froze and I could feel the heat of your body against mine, the taste of your lips, your tongue. You pulled back suddenly. A devilish grin came across your face.

“You are too gentle.”

With that, I felt your foot scoop around the back of my legs, taking my feet out from under me and I crashed backwards onto the bed.

That’s when you pounced.

What transpired from there, I humbly must leave to your imagination. I can say that there was a whirlwind of activity, involving positions of all imaginings and even a few that were against the laws of nature and a few that I’m sure were illegal in several states. In the end, the bed was broken, the tv had a bed post through it, all the paintings on the walls were askew, the mattress was on the floor and you and I…you and I were in a broken sweaty heap on the floor. I was gasping for breath and you were giggling at me, half covered in one of my old t shirts. How did you find my old Cure Tour t shirt? I thought that was lost 20 years ago? I snuggled in with you and for a moment, for one quiet moment, I felt content.

You poked me in the belly again, teasing me about my weight.

“I have to go” you said “and you have to wake up.”

Thats when I heard my alarm.

For a few brief moments, in those milliseconds between sleep and smashing my alarm button, I could still feel the smoothness of your skin, the brush of your hair across my face and neck, the taste of you on my lips. Then you were gone. The illusion was broken and I woke up alone in my room. I looked towards the door to my bedroom half expecting to see the hustle and bustle of a JC Penney shoe department but I was disapointed to just see the hallway, my cat wandering towards me, demanding some attention.

I spent today wondering if I should tell you. How much is too much sharing when it comes to friends?. I know I’m only a friend. But part of me wants something more and I’m not sure how to reconcile that.

The dream was intense, playful and extremely x rated. There were things you did that I would never have expected from you. If I told you, would you have a good laugh with me about? Would we kid each other about positions we should have tried in the dream then just carry on as we always have? Would you recoil in horror or would you jokingly admit to having something of a similar dream? Would you be able to forgive my imaginations lack of discretion? Do you feel the same way? Or am I alone in this, deluded by my own overactive and undersexed libido? I’m happy being your friend, but is that all there is? I know it was only a dream and I know where my boundaries are, but part of me can’t wait to go to bed tonite and go shoe shopping again….

Are you there Gut? It’s me, George

Listen, we need to talk. I know how comfortable you have been over the years but the times, they are a’changin, my friend. We have been through alot together, you and I. But the time has come for us to part ways.

Now, you must know, first of all, that I love you. There, I said it. I love the warmth you have provided for me. When other people are running for their coats, I know I can count on you to keep me warm. And if I was ever trapped on a desert island with no food, I know you would sacrifice your precious reserves to keep me alive long enough for a ship to find me. You act as a natuaral lower body airbag in case of an accident and you cushion my fall when I inevitably fall face first on the pavement. Many nights you and I sat happily on the couch together, enjoying a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips and some guinness, watching movies and falling asleep before the final credits. You and I make a great team, but unfortaunately, I can’t be on this team anymore. The problems you pose are far worse than I at first imagined and need to be addressed as soon as possible.

In order for me to live a healthier life, I have to end our partnership. In the past, I have tried many ways to get rid of you. I’ve starved you, only to find you convincing me to start up old bad habits again. I’ve tried to sweat you out, only for you to convince me that sleep was a much better alternative. I’ve tried fads of all kinds including pills, powders, electrodes, yoga, meditation, hypnosis, supplements, cabbage soup, grapefruit, lo-carb, no-carb, lo-fat, Weight Watchers, fat smashers, Atkins, South Beach, SlimFast, NutriSystem, Jenny Craig. None of them helped, because in the end, I didn’t have the mental resolve to resist YOU.

Today, I’m a different man than I was three years ago. Three years ago, my doctor decided to scare the hell out of me. ANGINA! HEART DISEASE! HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE! HEART ATTACK! STROKE! DIABETES! All these words hovered in the air during that visit and even though I knew you weren’t listening, I took his warnings to heart and changed my life. I lost alot of you over that first year and to be honest, I thought we were on the same page. For the first time in ages, I was down below that critical number my doctor spoke about and the weight kept falling off. For awhile there, I thought you were my friend, slowly leaving the spot on my body you have called home for so long for the benefit of my health. But then, you started convincing me to be lazy: you wanted those chips, you craved that burger and I blame you for the late nite visit to buy the Ben and Jerrys. My weight loss came to a stand still, only losing a few pounds here and there. I became dejected as the weight stopped and fell into old patterns again: “I’ll go to the gym tomorrow, oh I don’t feel like it today, ok next week I’m starting again! Ok, maybe next month…” It was all part of your plan, wasn’t it? You didn’t want to lose your home….

Then came this year. I made the resolution. And although you fought me tooth and nail the whole way, I lost another good amount of weight, won a bet and now, now I look at the shape of the real estate around my waist, and I think it’s time to finally evict you! I’ve had enough of you sabotaging everything I do. I love you, you are a part of me, but like any toxic relationship, this isn’t good for either one of us.

So get ready to pack up, my friend. You can take all the over-sized clothes with you, I won’t be needing them for too much longer. You can have my ass, since he occupies the other side of the property, he’s gotta go too. You can have my sore knees, my swollen ankles, my shortness of breath when I climb the stairs, the asthma attacks, the high blood pressure, the constant cravings for chocolate. You can have my insecurities, my worries about not being good enough, not being attractive, feeling like I have nothing to give someone because you were in the way. You can take it all! I’ve had it! I have had enough of you.

And I know, for the rest of my life I’m going to have to be careful that you don’t try to move back in. I know this, and I know you will be waiting for any opportunity, any sign of weakness or a breaking of my will to swoop in and take up residence once again, but until then, I’m strong and I have friends, friends who have my best interests at heart. Friends who don’t want to see me destroy all the progress I made. Goodbye old friend, I’m sure we will speak again, but from now on, I’m not listening to you.

Before or How Resolutions Don’t Equal Loss

Thats me on the left, making as ass of myself. I think we were all singing along to Queen’s “Bohemian Rhapsody” at sunday night karaoke at the Daniel Street Bar and Tavern. As dives go, the place isn’t that bad and a huge crowd of us swarm in every sunday for the silliness and embarassment that is karaoke. A funny moment caught on film by my friend Jared. I hate it.

Don’t get me wrong, we had a great night and I love my friends dearly. What I hate is me in these pictures. In the past, I have been incredibly embarassed about my weight gains and losses and gaining again. A never ending cycle of self torture and overindulgence. Every year, on New Years Eve, I made the same resolutions over and over again, only to see myself fail, or even worse, sabotage myself to definitely fail:

1. Lose Weight

2. Find Love

3. Win the Lottery

Ok, that last one is more of a wish than a resolution but nonetheless, every year, those three resolutions would be written down, tucked into my wallet to remind myself of what my vague goals were. And what happened every year? I would diet like mad, starve myself, exercise constantly and painfully then relapse into old habits of eating fast food and chinese food, pizza, ice cream, etc and re-gain any and all losses and then packing on a few more pounds in the process. The cycle is evil and cruel and worst of all, I was doing it to myself.

To hide this from myself, to camouflage the damage I was doing to my self esteem, body image and own sense of self worth, I would go shopping. I would buy bigger and bigger clothes, clothes that were at least a size too big. This way, I could hide the truth, not only from a date, family or friends but also from myself. Looking at these pictures of myself, I realize I’m hiding behind oversized or black clothing, masking the reality and bullshitting myself into thinking I’m thinner because the clothes were over flowing.

I hate that about myself. I hate that for so long, the person I have been the most deceitful to, the one I have been lying to the most and treating like complete and utter shit is myself. And I think when I look at these pictures, I’m hit with the reality of how I truly feel about myself. I’m ashamed. Ashamed of my weakness, ashamed of how I must have appeared to people and ashamed of how I’m percieved. Don’t get me wrong, this is not my heaviest. I was once well over 300 pounds, but being in the 200’s for so long is no better.

So now we come to this year. The resolutions were the same. Scribed on the back of a business card and tucked into a corner of my wallet, I added a few more this year.

Ok, so a couple of those are unrealistic ( I really think I have a shot with Tori Amos, heehe) but in all seriousness, I need to learn to love myself more and to stop punishing myself for not meeting expectations. That revelation has made me a happier guy. Took me a few months to get on track but now, the weight is falling off, I feel healthier and happier than I have been in a long time. The workout has become a part of my life and less the’damnable activity I have to do to feel better about myself’. Every day has become a new challenge that I truly enjoy. I either go for a run in the morning and work out at night at the gym or, as my has been for the last couple of days, gym in the morning and a quick run late at night. I ache all over, my ankle is swollen sometimes, my knees complain and I LOVE every minute of it.

My true friends ground me in reality and remind me that no matter how down I get, no matter how disapointed I may be in myself, they still love me and that gives me hope every day as I struggle forward.

This is the year I “Lose The Buddha” (copyright) and get back at least to my rugby shape. Would be nice to be 220, be nicer to be 200 and nicer still to be less than 200. I haven’t seen under 200 since sophomore year of high school! I’m on track, I know I can do this now and knowing without a doubt that a goal is there and it’s achievable makes all the difference in the world. In the past, the weight loss was a vague goal, something I promised myself, tried and then, ultimately failed because my goal was not determined or defined. Now I have a goal, I have a number and lastly I am making one more important step: I am throwing out the oversized clothing. This is a little drastic, but a step I need to take. Otherwise, I’m just tempted to try to fit into them again. I can’t throw it all out, but a good majority of it is definitely going to goodwill tomorrow. I don’t want to hide any more, I don’t want to feel ashamed of who I am and how I look.

So far this year, I have lost a total of 32 lbs. I have lost 18 in the last 3 weeks thanks to some inspiration and support from a few good friends and not to mention a $500 bet on the line. My total has to be over 60 lbs of weight loss by august!!! I think I can do it…I know I can do it! That Money is so mine….. 🙂

Hopefully, photos like this, photos of me hiding behind clothes, will be a thing of the past. And I know you are wondering, but really I have no anser: why is Jen sticking her finger in my ear?