I admit it, sometimes, despite the cheery demeanor and the carefree attitude, sometimes, I crave total solitude. I don’t mean just some alone time for a few hours or having some private time some place: I mean no phone, no internet, no tv, no sound, no visitors. An impenetrable fog envelopes me (thank you Sarah Vowell) that nothing can get through and I need to be alone. There is no cure for this condition, nothing anyone can say or day to alleviate it, I just have to ride it out and hope I don’t miss too much in the real world while I’m locked away playing “The Hermit”.
I think this need for alone time is probably one of the main reasons behind why my relationships crack and crumble sometimes. I admit, I’m not the easiest person to know, once you get beyond my jolly exterior. I keep alot hidden, not from view, but at least hard to find. But, right when someone is going beyond the exterior, part of me wants to hide, curl up in a ball someplace, lock the doors, close the windows, pop in one of my mix cds and shut out the world for a little while. And no matter how much I explain that this is just me, that sometimes I need to go away, I hurt feelings, I step on emotions and I fail expectations.
So I offer this as an open apology.
-I’m sorry if I don’t return calls right away. I truly meant to, honestly, but I was already locked away when you called.
-I’m sorry if my inbox is full. I tend to look at messages when I’m away, but trying to answer them when my mind is elsewhere is useless.
-I’m sorry if I didn’t respond to your comments on Myspace. Please don’t stop leaving them: they draw me back into the real world and remind me what I’m away from.
-I’m sorry that I didn’t go out last night. I wanted to, I knew it would be fun and part of me regrets the hermit inside.
-Most of all, I’m sorry to let you down. Please understand that this comes and goes, sometimes its a day, sometimes its a weekend, but I will return and do my best to make amends.