Listen, we need to talk. I know how comfortable you have been over the years but the times, they are a’changin, my friend. We have been through alot together, you and I. But the time has come for us to part ways.
Now, you must know, first of all, that I love you. There, I said it. I love the warmth you have provided for me. When other people are running for their coats, I know I can count on you to keep me warm. And if I was ever trapped on a desert island with no food, I know you would sacrifice your precious reserves to keep me alive long enough for a ship to find me. You act as a natuaral lower body airbag in case of an accident and you cushion my fall when I inevitably fall face first on the pavement. Many nights you and I sat happily on the couch together, enjoying a pint of ice cream or a bag of chips and some guinness, watching movies and falling asleep before the final credits. You and I make a great team, but unfortaunately, I can’t be on this team anymore. The problems you pose are far worse than I at first imagined and need to be addressed as soon as possible.
In order for me to live a healthier life, I have to end our partnership. In the past, I have tried many ways to get rid of you. I’ve starved you, only to find you convincing me to start up old bad habits again. I’ve tried to sweat you out, only for you to convince me that sleep was a much better alternative. I’ve tried fads of all kinds including pills, powders, electrodes, yoga, meditation, hypnosis, supplements, cabbage soup, grapefruit, lo-carb, no-carb, lo-fat, Weight Watchers, fat smashers, Atkins, South Beach, SlimFast, NutriSystem, Jenny Craig. None of them helped, because in the end, I didn’t have the mental resolve to resist YOU.
Today, I’m a different man than I was three years ago. Three years ago, my doctor decided to scare the hell out of me. ANGINA! HEART DISEASE! HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE! HEART ATTACK! STROKE! DIABETES! All these words hovered in the air during that visit and even though I knew you weren’t listening, I took his warnings to heart and changed my life. I lost alot of you over that first year and to be honest, I thought we were on the same page. For the first time in ages, I was down below that critical number my doctor spoke about and the weight kept falling off. For awhile there, I thought you were my friend, slowly leaving the spot on my body you have called home for so long for the benefit of my health. But then, you started convincing me to be lazy: you wanted those chips, you craved that burger and I blame you for the late nite visit to buy the Ben and Jerrys. My weight loss came to a stand still, only losing a few pounds here and there. I became dejected as the weight stopped and fell into old patterns again: “I’ll go to the gym tomorrow, oh I don’t feel like it today, ok next week I’m starting again! Ok, maybe next month…” It was all part of your plan, wasn’t it? You didn’t want to lose your home….
Then came this year. I made the resolution. And although you fought me tooth and nail the whole way, I lost another good amount of weight, won a bet and now, now I look at the shape of the real estate around my waist, and I think it’s time to finally evict you! I’ve had enough of you sabotaging everything I do. I love you, you are a part of me, but like any toxic relationship, this isn’t good for either one of us.
So get ready to pack up, my friend. You can take all the over-sized clothes with you, I won’t be needing them for too much longer. You can have my ass, since he occupies the other side of the property, he’s gotta go too. You can have my sore knees, my swollen ankles, my shortness of breath when I climb the stairs, the asthma attacks, the high blood pressure, the constant cravings for chocolate. You can have my insecurities, my worries about not being good enough, not being attractive, feeling like I have nothing to give someone because you were in the way. You can take it all! I’ve had it! I have had enough of you.
And I know, for the rest of my life I’m going to have to be careful that you don’t try to move back in. I know this, and I know you will be waiting for any opportunity, any sign of weakness or a breaking of my will to swoop in and take up residence once again, but until then, I’m strong and I have friends, friends who have my best interests at heart. Friends who don’t want to see me destroy all the progress I made. Goodbye old friend, I’m sure we will speak again, but from now on, I’m not listening to you.